Lovesick

F***!  I feel so lonely, and I feel even lonelier knowing that there’s someone so close but yet so far away that I want to be with who can be the cure.  It sucks when you’re feeling someone way more than they’re feeling you.  It torments you.

I can just imagine the conversations we’d have.  From the silly things to dreams and goals to conversations on race in America.  I see her smile when I make her laugh.  Her mean side eye when I make my outrageous comments.  But it’s followed up quickly with a little smirk because she can’t help but find it funny.

I can almost feel her lying next to me as we cuddle up on the couch and watch our shows.  Her body so soft and snug that I’ll never want to leave.  And in that moment I decide that I’m perfectly fine living out the rest of my days on this couch if that means I never have to go without this feeling ever again.

I imagine building a future with her.  The great get-a-ways to exotic locations.  The new and fun activities.  As I walk by homes in the nice neighborhoods around me, I stop at each one and imagine if it were ours.  The cookouts with family and friends on the back deck.  The nights in alone.  Breakfast together.  A kiss and I love you with a side of bacon and eggs as we get our days started.

It kills me inside because I don’t want to feel this way but I cant help myself.  F*** I hate my heart.  Sometimes I wish I could just toss it away.  If I’m going to be alone then fugg it, let me be alone.  Don’t let me know what I’m missing.  But I can’t seem to shake the feeling and I fear it will never leave.

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